My Christmas Guide | 2023 Christmas Movies

Pretty much every Christmas romance movie I have seen that features dogs has been terrible. Actually, they are worse than terrible. I would like My Christmas Guide to be better but I’m not very hopeful.

Trevor (Ben Mehl) is a blind college professor with a young daughter, Annie (Ava Weiss). Peyton (Amber Marshall) trains guide dogs. When she sees dog-less Trevor picking Annie up from school one day, Peyton makes it her mission to get Trevor a guide dog.

I am not seeing impaired nor do I know anyone who is. So my opinion on a lot of this doesn’t count for much. I thought it was awfully presumptuous of Peyton to just assume that Trevor wants or needs a guide dog. To the point that she didn’t actually stop and talk to him. No, she left paperwork at Annie’s school saying something like “Hey, you know that kid with the blind dad? Can you give this to her?” What the hell, lady.

As I said, I can’t speak on whether the guide dog parts are accurate but I can speak about the romance. For most of the movie, Peyton has an awful boyfriend named Chad (Justin Nurse). Chad is such an awful person that I have no idea how Peyton stayed with him for ten months. (Yes, they say they have been together for TEN MONTHS.) While we do get to see the romance blossoming between Trevor and Peyton, I would have really liked it if Chad didn’t exist at all. Peyton is a strong woman that owns her own business. Why did we have to give her a boyfriend that demeans and ignores her at every opportunity? He’s completely unnecessary.

Thankfully, My Christmas Guide wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. It’s actually something I would probably watch again.

Rating: Can I get one of those puppies?

Journey To Christmas | 2023 Christmas Movies

I think we might have the first “teaching someone how to Christmas” movie for this season. After all, people that don’t have large families don’t know how to celebrate Christmas, right? That is what Journey To Christmas would like us to believe.

Cali Caldwell (Ash Tsai) is an influencer-turned-model who is going on a charity press tour from New York to California. Her manager has hired Jack (Joey Heyworth) to drive her to across the country. However, a midwestern snowstorm strands them at Jack’s family home in Illinois. Can Cali make it in time?

There are definitely some cute moments in there. Tsai is absolutely adorable as Cali, especially when she’s helping others. When Cali learned that she would be actually cutting down a Christmas tree with Jack, I think I would have the same stunned reaction. But my favorite is how, even though he barely knows her, Jack supports Cali’s dreams without hesitation. I know that this is a rather typical trope of these Christmas romance movies but, somehow, Heyworth had me believing in these two much more than any other Christmas couple.

Of course, every movie needs their villain and Cali’s manager, Max (Jeffrey Hanson), fills that role. A little too well, if you ask me. I understand that Cali is supposed to be young but Max is so awful to her that I have no idea why she keeps him around. He’s supposed to work for her, not the other way around.

Rating: Make me a fancy dress and invite me to their wedding

Joyeux Noel | 2023 Christmas Movies

The commercials for Joyeux Noel were pretty deceiving. They made it seem like this was a random woman wandering a Christmas market looking for love. Not once did they mention the Christmas mystery! I should have been looking forward to this one.

Lea (Jaicy Elliot) is a copy editor longing to be a reporter. When the newspaper’s lead Christmas story falls through, Lea convinces the editor to allow her to travel to France to try to find the story behind a long lost love from a local Christmas market. The editor agrees, as long as she brings ace reporter Mark (Brant Daugherty) with her.

Finally! We get a mystery movie where they actually try to solve the mystery. Granted, Lea isn’t great at sleuthing in the beginning but Mark shows her the ropes and they start investigating. And, sure, it’s not some deep dark unsolvable thing. It’s a bit of a fluff piece about past romance but there is a valid and sweet ending to their story. I actually found myself enjoying the movie more than I expected. (I even loved the running joke of tourists always bumping into locals.)

Rating: A different kind of French twist

Bringing Christmas Home | 2023 Christmas Movies

Great American Family’s Bringing Christmas Home is the first of the military-related movies this year. OK, I don’t know there are more military-related movies coming but there is usually at least a couple of them. It’s a pretty safe bet.

Russell (Paul Greene) runs an antique store with his sister, Jules (Jess Brown). When he finds a World War 2 uniform in a pile of donated items, Russell decides that he must get the uniform back to the soldier’s family. He enlists the help of Caroline (Jill Wagner), a retired military officer who is now a military history professor. Can they find the soldier’s family before Christmas?

I wish this move was more interesting. They could have easily made this a mystery movie but they didn’t. The movie spends more time following Caroline around and on her emotional journey than it does on the actual uniform. I don’t need to see Caroline buy and decorate a Christmas tree. I need to see them actually translating the cryptic letters and doing actual research. For someone with a master’s degree in military history, Caroline kinda sucks at it.

There have definitely been some good military Christmas movies in the past. Why do they have to keep giving us this crap? We can honor our soldiers without making them look dumb.

Rating: Lost to time

Mystic Christmas | 2023 Christmas Movies

This may be bad. We’re barely a week into Christmas movie season and I’m already bored. At least Mystic Christmas has some animals? Well, one animal anyway.

Juniper (Jessy Schram) comes to Mystic, Connecticut for the holiday season to work at a rehabilitation center preparing a seal to be released back into the wild. A former flame, Sawyer (Chandler Massey), not only lives in Mystic but is the brother of the aquarium manager, Candace (Patti Murin). Will Juniper finally settle down or will she continue to run from her feelings?

Yeah, this movie was boring. Peppermint the seal might be the best part of the movie and she’s barely in it. Nothing really happens. It’s a lot of Juniper trying her best to avoid interaction with anyone because she’s “an introvert.” (Note: Introverts don’t hate being around people. They just need some time to themselves to recharge.) So a lot of the story revolves around people, mostly Candace, trying to get Juniper to open up to the townspeople and have fun. Which would have been fine if they made it interesting. It would have been more interesting if Juniper used the seals more to show how she interacts with animals better than humans.

Here’s to hoping we get a good movie soon. I don’t want to be bored this early in the season!

Rating: Fish out of water

Christmas By Design | 2023 Christmas Movies

We had some fashion design Christmas movies last year. Hallmark is bringing it back with Christmas By Design. These movies tend to make fashion designers look stuck up. I hope this one is different.

Charlotte (Rebecca Dalton) is a luxury fashion designer in New York City. She enters a Christmas challenge sponsored by a big department store. Needing some inspiration, she goes home for the holidays, where she meets mechanic Spencer (Jonathan Keltz). Can he help bring back her Christmas spirit?

Uuuugh. There are so many annoying things about this movie. Yes, they have made Charlotte stuck up. She spends so much time saying “But I’m a LUXURY designer.” Girl, get over yourself. A lot of luxury brands also have affordable brands. They just don’t talk about it a lot.

On top of that, Spencer is BORING. He mostly hangs out with Charlotte because all of the single women in town (which, by the way, seems to be a total of two women….) fawn over him and he hates it. There are times when he tries to explain to her what “normal” people want to wear for Christmas, he doesn’t actually say anything. He’s like “You know. Cozy.” or something like that. I think I hate him.

As a note, this movie is so boring that at the half hour mark, I literally said out loud: “Oh my god. How has it only been a half hour?” There were so many ways to make this movie interesting and they did none of it.

Rating: A sad waste of fabric

Ms Christmas Comes To Town | 2023 Christmas Movies

The Hallmark Movies & Mysteries channel really likes movies that are somehow related to death. A long-deceased family member or a spouse that recently passed. That is their bread and butter. Well, Ms. Christmas Comes To Town doesn’t disappoint on that end.

Gale (Barbara Niven), also known as Ms. Christmas on a popular shopping channel, has been diagnosed with a terminal illness. Before she retires, she goes on a multi-city tour to spread Christmas cheer. Joining her are Amanda (Erica Durance), who will be taking over the Ms. Christmas mantle, and Travis (Brennan Elliott), a nurse tasked with taking care of her health.

I am really not sure why they needed to include a cancer diagnosis in this movie. It puts this dark cloud over everything because Gale refuses to tell anyone that she has terminal cancer yet it is the reason for everything she does. The writers could have easily gone with a simple retirement. The big tour could have still been a retirement tour, just without the cancer! Travis could have still been hired to go to keep an eye on her. It could have been a joyful passing of the torch instead of a depression party.

As for the romance? It is barely there. I didn’t really understand why they got together. Maybe I missed something but their relationship read “co-worker” to me. Even after they kissed, they didn’t seem like they were in love with each other. I’m not really sure any of the characters even liked each other. They were all very weird.

Rating: Can you really replace Ms. Christmas with Ms. Holiday?

Destined 2: Christmas Once More | 2023 Christmas Movies

Last year, Destined At Christmas was my first Great American Family Christmas movie. This year, they have given us a sequel - Destined 2: Christmas Once More. I didn’t hate the first movie. Will I hate the second?

After a year of dating, Theo (Casey Elliott) wants to propose to Kim (Shae Robins). A series of unfortunate events occurs, making it difficult for Theo to find the right time and place to pop the big question.

Destined 2 is another one of those movies where nothing really happens. Since the plot revolves around Theo trying to propose, he couldn’t propose at the beginning of the movie, when he originally intended to. No, he had to wait. And it just rolls from there. All of the scenarios for why he can’t propose are annoying. Especially the one where the ring gets lost. I won’t go into spoilers but everyone involved in that one was stupid.

I’m also not super happy with the fact that they made Kim a “make everyone happy” woman. She absolutely overworks herself when there are so many other people in the story that could have helped. I would have liked it better if she was a little more “selfish” and didn’t keep volunteering all over the place.

With that said, this movie isn’t terrible. If you liked the first one, you might like the second one. Just keep in mind that nothing happens for like 85 out of the 90 minute runtime.

Rating: Can I see the mechanical dinosaurs?

Under The Christmas Sky | 2023 Christmas Movies

I wish Hallmark kept Under The Christmas Sky a little more secret. All of the commercials featured a child in a wheelchair squealing “You’re an ASTRONAUT?!” So we know it’s astronaut-related somehow, right?

Kat (Jessica Parker Kennedy) is an astrophysicist who specializes in the sun. After a terrible car accident leaves her with a blind spot in her vision, Kat is unsure where her life is headed. Her boss gets her a consulting job helping David (Ryan Paevey) with a Christmas exhibit at the local planetarium. Will Kat figure out where her future lies?

I’m not a big science person. However, some of this movie felt really wrong. They frequently refer to David’s place of work as “the planetarium.” But it’s more like a museum with a planetarium inside. Maybe I’m being too nitpicky about that but like a museum and a planetarium are two different things. Right?

I also feel like they are super confused about Kat’s eyesight. Her eye doctor seemed to blow it off with a “Well, if it hasn’t fixed itself by now, it never will.” But Kat said that the blind spot was caused by hitting her head in the car accident. So is it a problem with her eye or a problem with her brain? Everyone keeps having her do these eye exercises but maybe the actual eye isn’t the problem! The issue felt like a tacked on reason that the writers needed in order to dash her dreams of going to the space station.

At the same time, they made too big of a deal about the blind spot. We are given shots that are supposed to be from Kat’s point of view and it looks like a big smudge in her vision. Yet the writers are literally trying to equate her slightly impaired vision with people in wheelchairs. ‘We can’t go to space but we can still work in the space industry!’

It’s another movie that isn’t terrible but it wasn’t particularly good either. My favorite parts were with Kat’s brother Andy (Andrew Bushell) and Celeste (Sydney Sabiston) who also works at the museum. They were a much more interesting couple.

Rating: Failure to launch

'Twas The Text Before Christmas | 2023 Christmas Movies

I wasn’t sure what to expect from ‘Twas The Text Before Christmas. Would it be a take on ‘Twas The Night Before Christmas? What would that look like in a Christmas romance movie? Let’s take a look…

Addie (Merritt Patterson) is a New York City chiropractor. When her father, Bruce (Rob Stewart), goes to Australia to spend Christmas with her brother, Addie is left alone. She receives an accidental text from Maybel (Jayne Eastwood) intended for Maybel’s granddaughter, Paige. Addie and Maybel start talking and, when Maybel finds out that Addie will be alone for Christmas, the older woman invites her to spend the holiday with her family. With no other plans, Addie agrees.

Surprisingly, this wasn’t a terrible movie. It is a little annoying that it only takes place over three consecutive Christmases so we don’t get to see what anyone is doing during the rest of the year. It would have been nice to see Addie spend some time with her father since he goes to visit her brother every year - even though they are supposed to switch off spending Christmas with him. We see them have one dinner every year, which is when he tells her that he’s leaving again. From what we see, Maybel is a better parental figure to Addie than her own father.

The characters are rather two-dimensional so don’t go into this thinking you’re going to get anything deep out of it. The only time we see any of Addie’s other boyfriends is through her phone - one via social media and the other via phone calls. I know this is supposed to be about the Christmases that Addie and Maybel spend together. It just would have been nice to get to know them better as people.

Rating: I’m ready for the sequel where they spend every Easter together