Mistletoe Match | 2023 Christmas Movies

Mistletoe Match does have a tired premise. It did start out pretty well but then it fell flat on its face.

Olivia (Elena Juatco) is an investigative reporter who gets tasked to do a deep dive into Mistletoe Match, an annual singles event that claims a 90% success rate. She meets Thomas (Ryan Bruce), an artist that works at the local community center. Will the program work for them or will Olivia expose it as a sham?

When both Olivia and Thomas were on the “this thing sucks, let’s team up” train, it wasn’t a particularly innovative take on the plot but Juatco and Bruce made it interesting. It wasn’t until the plot started to focus on getting funding for the community center over the actual tasks/events at the Mistletoe Match that it started to fall apart. I don’t think they really needed a “what’s in it for him” take. They could have just had the two of them falling in love while doing things they both claimed were stupid. Then the B-plot would still be Thomas’ best friend/coworker Alfie (Vas Saranga) trying to get his act together to propose to his girlfriend, Mia (Dianne Aguilar). Bring in the part about Thomas’s daughter, Erin (Tessa Kozma), needing to write a story for a class assignment and we’re good. We don’t need the community center in dire financial need in order to make the relationship worth something to Thomas. It just muddies the water.

Rating: Not enough matching

Christmas On Windmill Way | 2023 Christmas Movies

A lot of people joke about Hallmark Christmas movie tropes. Great American Family’s Christmas On Windmill Way had to have been written by someone who had a trope checklist and wanted to jam as many as possible into one movie.

The windmill on Windmill Way has been owned by Mia’s (Christa Taylor Brown) family for generations. Due to financial difficulties, her grandmother, Ann (Marcia Bennett), has sold the property to a developer. Mia’s high school boyfriend, Brady (Chad Michael Murray), has been sent by the developer to prepare the property for development.

This is, quite seriously, one of the worst movies I have ever watched. Brown reads her lines like she’s reading greeting cards. Is she capable of putting any emotion behind her words? She’s a new actress on the scene but she really needs to up her game if she plans on being around for very long. Meanwhile, Murray’s job is just to stand there and keep saying the same things over and over again. If we cut out all of the repetitive lines he has, this movie could have probably been a half hour long. It’s movies like this that make me sorry I decided to keep Great American Family on the lineup this year.

Rating: Tear it all down

A Not So Royal Christmas | 2023 Christmas Movies

I…don’t really have an introduction for this one. Onto the review for A Not So Royal Christmas!

Charlotte (Brooke D’Orsay) currently works for a royal gossip website. In an attempt to get herself a raise, she plans to get an interview with the reclusive Count. To ward her off, the royal family convinces one of their groundskeepers, Adam (Will Kemp), pretend to be the Count.

There were things I liked about this movie and things I hated about it. Kemp was charming and delightful. Meanwhile, D’Orsay has this tendency to play annoying characters and this one isn’t any different. I liked the idea of a gossip tabloid chasing the royal but A Christmas Prince did it better. And why is everyone mad at the other person lying to them when they also lied?

This isn’t the worst movie I’ve watched. It’s not even the worst Brooke D’Orsay movie I’ve watched. But I guess if you like royal movies, you might like it.

Rating: So anyone can be Count?

Ladies Of The '80s: A Divas Christmas | 2023 Christmas Movies

Ladies Of The ‘80s: A Divas Christmas may have been the most embarrassing thing I have ever watched. I’m not even sure the target demographic would want to watch this.

Five soap stars from the 1980s - Margaux (Morgan Fairchild), Lily (Loni Anderson), Lauren (Linda Gray), Dana (Donna Mills), and Juliette (Nicolette Sheridan) - come together to film the final Christmas episode of their long-running soap opera. While they repair their broken friendships, they also try to mend the rift between their director Nell (Taylor Ann Thompson) and their producer Alex (Travis Burns).

If you don’t know who any of these women are, this movie will mean nothing to do. It is entirely intended as nostalgia for anyone who watched Dallas, Knots Landing, WKRP in Cincinnati, or Falcon Crest. I bet some of you have never even heard of those shows. It’s old people television. And, sadly, unless you have experience with those shows, you won’t get some of the references in this movie. For example, all of the characters here have the same last name as their previous characters. This might have worked if the writers weren’t banking so hard on audience familiarity. After all, these women are good actresses. There’s a reason they were so popular in the 80s. However, you can’t rely on people in 2023 knowing or caring who they are.

Rating: Wash it down the drain

My Norwegian Holiday | 2023 Christmas Movies

Hallmark really is traveling the world this year. We had A Heidelberg Holiday in Germany, A Merry Scottish Christmas in Scotland, and Christmas In Notting Hill in England. Now Hallmark takes us to Norway with My Norwegian Holiday.

While grading papers in a coffeehouse, JJ (Rhiannon Fish) happens to overhear a breakup between a woman who shares her name - Jessica Johnson - and a Norwegian man named Henrik (David Elsendoorn), leaving the man with an extra plane ticket back home to Norway. He offers JJ the ticket, who eventually agrees, so she can find out more about her recently deceased grandmother. What JJ finds in Bergen is more than she expected.

Yay! We finally have another sweet movie from Hallmark. I love that they didn’t press the romance too much. Instead, the story is driven by JJ trying to find where her grandmother got this handmade troll figure and Henrik’s family teaching her what life is like in Norway. Sure, there are a few scenes that are stupidly played up for the conflict but those are easily overlooked. Instead, we can enjoy time with a fun and loving family in a new country.

Rating: I’ll stay in grandmother’s extra room!

Time For Her To Come Home For Christmas | 2023 Christmas Movies

With Time For Her To Come Home For Christmas, I think they have finally run out of pronouns to come home. I have watched Time For Us, Time For Them, and Time For Him. Will this be the end of Blake Shelton’s Christmas movies?

Carly (Shenae Grimes-Beech) is a musician who has been hired to help a church choir prepare for their Christmas concert.

Yeah, that is pretty much the plot. All summed up in one line. And that is how deep this movie is as well. We get a schmaltzy story about Carly’s mother passing and love-interest Matthew (Chris Carmack) returning from some soldiery duty. But that is it. Everything that should be deep and emotional feels flat and cardboardy. Handled correctly, this could have been an amazing story about someone finding lost family and finding where they belong. Instead, it was about a rather terrible song about Christmas.

Rating: Can the next one be “Time For Me To Leave?”

The Naughty Nine | 2023 Christmas Movies

The second Disney+ movie of this season is The Naughty Nine. I didn’t even see the cover art for this when I added it to the list. It’s always interesting going into a movie completely blind. I have no idea what to expect.

Andy (Winslow Fegley) and his best friend, Dulce (Camila Rodriguez), are troublemakers. When Christmas Day rolls around, there are no presents from Santa under the tree. That is when they find out that they are on the naughty list. They They gather a group of other naughty list kids to break into Santa’s workshop and get their presents.

Disney is not immune to bad movies. But they also have really good movies. Thankfully, this is an awesome movie. It’s basically Ocean’s Eleven with kids. There’s a getaway driver, a gymnast, a technician, a costumer…every job you could need to break into a place. And those kids are good at their jobs. The Naughty Nine had me laughing throughout the entire movie. They have set it up for the sequel and I really hope that it is as good as this one.

Rating: Can I go to the elf after-party?

A Christmas For The Ages | 2023 Christmas Movies

Candace Cameron Bure’s daughter, Natasha, has been making small appearances in her movies and shows for awhile. Now Natasha has her own Christmas movie, A Christmas For The Ages. And, what do you know, it just happens to be a movie produced by mom. Nepotism at its finest.

A family with four generations of women - great-grandmother Marie (Anna Ferguson), grandmother Joan (Cheryl Ladd), mother Kristi (Kate Craven), and daughter Savannah (Natasha Bure) - gather to celebrate Christmas. They visit each woman’s house to showcase what Christmas was like in their decade: the 1940s, the 1960s, the 1990s, and present day.

Let me get this out of the way first. Since this is a Bure family fiesta, it is absolutely dripping with religion. They took what could have been a fun plot with the family celebrating in each decade and ruined it with its heavy-handed approach to God. I don’t have a problem when a Christmas movie talks about God or Jesus or whatever (though a pagan Christmas movie would be awesome….). It’s when they feel the need to shove it down our throats that I get annoyed.

On top of that, A Christmas For The Ages just kinda sucks. They talk at each other instead of talking to each other. Joan is randomly pissed off that her mother, Marie, is dating someone even though Marie’s husband is dead. People eventually have to go on with their lives, Joan! And the acting is just…not good. I’m sad because this had all the potential in the world and they did nothing with it. I would love to see a remake by Netflix.

Rating: No need to invite me to your party. I’m just going to stay home. Thanks.

A Biltmore Christmas | 2023 Christmas Movies

For those of you that don’t know, even though Hallmark has been screaming it all over the place, A Biltmore Christmas was actually filmed at the Biltmore Estate in North Carolina. The estate itself is a lovely addition to the movie.

Lucy (Bethany Joy Lenz) is writing a remake of a classic holiday movie, His Merry Wife! When she has trouble giving the movie the feel good ending the studio wants, her boss sends her to the Biltmore Estate in Asheville, North Carolina, where the original movie was filmed. After an accident with an hourglass, Lucy finds herself transported back to 1946. Stuck in 1946, she watches the filming of His Merry Wife! and finds herself falling in love with the movie’s star, Jack Huston (Kristoffer Polaha). But she has to go back to her time, right?

This is another movie I wasn’t expecting to enjoy. Especially since these type of time travel movies often suck. Maybe it was the majesticness of the Biltmore or maybe the movie actually was good. I just know that I found myself liking it way more than I thought I would. It’s not a movie I’m adding to my Annual list but it’s not one I would turn off if it happened to be on the screen.

Rating: Stay at the Biltmore! It’s beautiful!

Laughing All The Way | 2023 Christmas Movies

Hey! It’s Jake Epstein! He’s the most overused and underrated Christmas actor. I think he also has multiple movies this year. Laughing All The Way is the first.

Aubri (Paniz Zade) is the comedy writer and personal assistant for comedy legend Bella Deldomino (Mary Walsh). Bella owns a comedy club that used to host a Christmas variety show but that ended years ago. In order to drum up business for the club, Aubri decides to bring it back. She runs into Mike Baxter (Jake Epstein), a comedian-turned-actor whose career is in a bit of a slump. Mike agrees to be the headliner for the show, in the hopes that it will revive his career as well as the club’s.

In my experience, Epstein’s films are either really good or really bad. Thankfully, this is one of the good ones. He has some amazing comedy timing and he was paired perfectly with Zade. I was a little disappointed that there wasn’t a Jewish angle as those are usually my favorite movies starring him. But I am easily appeased by good comedy songs and he brings them here.

Epstein doesn’t deserve all of the praise though. Zade does a great job at being both anxious and amazing at the same time. Ish Morris plays Aubri’s cousin Ian and he is the perfect “best friend” character for Aubri. And, of course, there’s Walsh. She pulls off the awful boss that you can’t help but love. The perfect foil for our couple. This may be the most perfect casting of a Christmas movie that I have seen in a long time. I’m almost sad it ended.

Rating: I want to see more people drink the awful green soda!