The King's Daughter | Movie Review

A movie made in 2014 but not released until 2022. Supposedly, it was delayed to work on the special effects. This means that I absolutely had to watch it. Even if it was only released in movie theaters during a pandemic. But I was confident that there wouldn’t be a lot of people in the audience. And I was right. We were the ONLY people in the audience.

The King’s Daughter is very loosely based on the 1997 book, The Moon and The Sun. King Louis XIV (Pierce Brosnan), the Sun King of France, wants to be immortal. He sends Captain Yves De La Croix (Benjamin Walker) to the high seas to bring back a mermaid. Dr. Labarthe (Pablo Schreiber) believe that if the king consumes the mermaid’s heart, he will be granted immortality. Meanwhile, the king has sent his priest and advisor, Père La Chaise (William Hurt), to retrieve his daughter, Marie-Josèphe (Kaya Scodelario), from the convent where she has lived her entire life under the guise that the king needs a new composer. Marie-Josèphe befriends the captured mermaid and tries to free the creature when she learns of her father’s plan.

Let me start off with : This is not a good movie. The best thing about this movie is Julie Andrew’s narration in the very beginning. Unfortunately, she does not narrate the entire movie. Only about the first half hour. I’m pretty sure her narration is one of the reasons the movie got delayed. Without her telling me what the hell was going on, I would have been completely lost.

I went into this movie knowing it was going to be bad. The question was “how bad?” Before word is even spoken, you can tell you are in for a ride based on how awful the characters look. Pierce Brosnan was given a Party City wig for his role as King Louis XIV. At no point in this movie does he ever look good. He looks like someone else was cast in the role, filmed the whole movie, then someone decided to CGI his face onto that actor’s body.

In addition, all of the costume decisions were strange. The movie is supposed to take place sometime in the 17th-century. Yet all of the women are literally wearing prom dresses from 2014. There isn’t a single dress that is historically accurate. The men’s clothes are only slightly better. Most of the men’s clothes that I saw were tailored in a way to make them look slightly accurate. Like, if you only saw them in silhouette, you might think “Yeah, that looks about right.”

And, of course, there are giant plot holes everywhere. I haven’t read the book itself but the synopsis on Wikipedia doesn’t say anything about the king having a daughter. Marie-Josèphe is supposed to be a lady-in-waiting to the king’s niece. Making this drastic change gives the movie a very weird vibe. In the movie, the king knows he has a daughter and knows where she is but doesn’t care anything about her until…the music at his palace begins to suck? I honestly have no idea why he really brings her to the palace. He claims it’s because he needs a composer and she loves music but that makes no sense. And when she is at the palace, he mostly ignores her except in very specific situations where it looks like he wants to have sex with her? Oh, and one of the movie’s conflicts where he tries to marry her off to a lord in his kingdom because he spent all of his money trying to find the mermaid.

I figured that this was going to be a movie that I wouldn’t be able to recommend. However, if you like terrible movies, this would be perfect. As a matter of fact, if you are going to watch this, please come back here and explain it to me. Why did anyone think that this was a good movie to make? Why did anyone actually agree to work on it? But, if you are a normal person with normal interests, stay far away. Even Julie Andrews couldn’t save this one.

Beanie Mania | Movie Review

Since I work from home, I tend to turn on documentaries as background noise. Sometimes they are true crime documentaries but usually I pick something where I’m already familiar with the subject. That way I can easily pick the thread back up if I can’t listen too closely. Unfortunately, I am all too familiar with the Beanie Baby craze.

Beanie Mania is the story of Beanie Babies as told by collectors and former Ty employees. The bean-filled animals went from another plushie in the store to an absolute frenzy where adults would travel to neighboring states just to get a particular doll. Yes, it was as crazy as it sounds.

Like most people in the 1990s, I owned Beanie Babies. I wouldn’t say I was an avid collector but I did have most of the cats before they went out of fashion. Then, toward the end of the craze, I worked at a store that sold them. I never had to deal with adults calling every day looking for certain dolls or people getting too out of hand in the store. So I was definitely interested in seeing what the documentary had to say about how everything went down.

Sadly for me, the movie didn’t reveal any new information. Since the documentarians were unable to get an interview with Ty Warner himself, they had to rely on stories from the more widely known collectors. The people who started websites or wrote books about the dolls. If you lived through that time and were lucky enough to have access to the internet (the internet was still pretty young at the time), you probably knew these people or read all of this material already. That means the target audience must be young adults, right?

Well, my 19-year old daughter watched part of Beanie Mania with me. I think she got bored of it because she left about 2/3 of the way through the movie. She didn’t even stay long enough to see the only person she would know (Colleen Ballinger, also known as Miranda Sings on YouTube). To be honest, my daughter liked the McMillions documentary about the big McDonald Monopoly game scandal. Beanie Mania just didn’t have an oomph to it.

If you are thinking about watching it, do it for the nostalgia factor. Especially if you are already familiar with Beanie Babies. However, if you have no idea what I’m talking about, you might find it interesting. Just be prepared to turn it off halfway through if get bored. I really wish the documentarians were able to find more interesting people to talk to. Or at least find some more dirt to talk about. The scandals are what makes people stay til the end.

The Eyes of Tammy Faye | Movie Review

I was about 10 years old when Jim Bakker and his wife, Tammy Faye, has their televangelist empire fall apart. That’s not old enough to know or understand all of the gritty details but I vividly remember the couple on TV outside the courthouse and doing interviews. So I was very interested when I saw there would be a biographical drama that I could stream on HBO Max.

Tammy Faye LaValley meets Jim Bakker at North Central Bible College. The two get married and travel around the United States preaching. After a few years, they moved their preaching to a television network, where they became very popular. Popular enough that they created their own gospel network. However, in 1987, their empire collapsed due to allegations of fraud and rape.

This version of The Eyes of Tammy Faye is based on a 2000 documentary, also titled The Eyes of Tammy Faye. I haven’t watched the original documentary so I’m not sure how close this movie follows it. But this movie is very pro-Bakker. It paints Tammy Faye as a woman who was treated poorly as a child and, as a result, craves attention and admiration from other people. There is also this weird duality where she is portrayed as both the mastermind that got the couple all of the opportunities that led them to be as popular as they were and also a naive woman who was mistreated and ignored by her husband. I’m not sure that the real Tammy Faye was either of those. I think that both Jim and Tammy Faye manipulated their way into the hearts of Christians and that they were terrible to each other. They were both the same level of horribleness.

To be honest, I don’t think this movie was particularly worth watching. There were some interesting visuals but I feel like it misses out on how awful the Bakkers were to their followers. They conned people into donating more money than they were able to afford. While you can tell that the Bakkers are rich, we never really see whether the money was really theirs or if they were spending church money on their luxuries. It would have been better if we got to see more of the results of their “charitable begging.” Maybe, if you have never heard of Jim or Tammy Faye Bakker, this might be an OK introduction to who they are but you would probably do better with something closer to the truth.

Don't Look Up | Movie Review

Released just in time to give 2021 the send-off it deserved, Netflix gave us Don’t Look Up. A movie that was written before the Covid pandemic about the reaction of the United States to climate change but feels very relevant to the current Covid-ridden world.

Kate Dibiasky (Jennifer Lawrence) is an astronomy Ph.D. candidate who discovered a large comet hurtling through space toward Earth. Her professor, Dr. Randall Mindy (Leonardo DiCaprio), calculates that it will hit Earth in about six months, causing a planet-wide extinction event. They, along with Dr. Teddy Oglethorpe (Rob Morgan) from NASA, take the information to the president of the United States. President Jeanie Orlean (Meryl Streep) ignores the warning, choosing to focus on the scandal involving her current Supreme Court nominee instead. Kate, Dr. Mindy, and Dr. Oglethorpe try to warn the country of the impending doom themselves, only to be met with the same apathy they received from government officials. People don’t take the threat seriously until it is too late.

Don’t Look Up hit a little too close to home for me. While I don’t have any Covid-deniers or anti-maskers/anti-vaxxers in my family, there are a few of those in my workplace. And while this movie wasn’t addressing the response to the pandemic itself, it is a fitting metaphor. To be honest, it fits any situation where something awful is happening and the seemingly-majority (who are usually a vocal minority) scream about how it’s not true. (cough gun control conversations after mass shootings in the United States cough) Unfortunately, I’m pretty sure the message of “Take action now before it’s too late and we all die” isn’t going to get through the to necessary people. They will all claim it as some sort of liberal agenda and write it off altogether.

Maybe it’s because I am on the side of “maybe we should save the world?” but I found the movie sadly entertaining. Jonah Hill as President Orlean’s son and Chief of Staff, Jason, was hysterical but also scary. He wrote in a post on his Instagram, “creating this guy was the grossest blast I’ve ever had. I thought, what if Fyre Festival was a person and that person had power in the White House.” I would say that sums his character up well. As terrible as he was as a person, I think he may have been my favorite character in the movie.

While I would love for everyone to watch Don’t Look Up. the people that need to watch it aren’t going to. Nevertheless, everyone else should watch it. Maybe we can figure out how to save our world through the inevitable destruction of theirs. Or maybe, at the very least, we can figure out why a Lieutenant General would charge someone for free snacks.

Encanto | Movie Review

My family put off watching Encanto for way too long. We finally watched it on Disney+ over the New Year’s weekend and I’m a little sad we waited so long.

Mirabel (Stephanie Beatriz) is a young girl living in Columbia with her family. All of the people born into the Madrigal family have powers, except for Mirabel. When the candle that supplies their magic begins to lose its flame, Mirabel decides to find out why the candle is dying and how she can save her family.

Ever since Wreck-It Ralph and Frozen, Disney Animation Studio has moved away from the romantic-based princesses stories. Yes, there is a romance plot in Frozen and that plot is brought more to the forefront in Frozen 2, but I would argue that they are not integral to the story. The story is about family and sisterhood more than it is about Anna and Kristoff. The same is true for Encanto.

Our main character, Mirabel, is a black sheep of the family. She is the only one without some sort of powers. Even the house has powers! However, she is still a part of the family and does what she can to help them flourish. Much like Frozen, there isn’t a villain character. Sure, Hans is a terrible person but you can’t say he’s really the villain of the story. The same holds true for Abuela Alma in Encanto. Like the Latina grandmothers in most pop culture entertainment, she is overbearing and demanding but that doesn’t make her a villain. And while both Hans and Abuela move the plot forward, they could both be removed from the movie with little change to story. Don’t get me wrong, both characters do fit into their stories well and have good reason for being there but they are also kinda unnecessary.

Before anyone comes at me saying that Abuela was the heart of the family and, as a result, was needed, I would argue that Mirabel was the heart. Even toward the end when Mirabel was finding out the true feelings of her sisters, the conflict could have been resolved there. Abuela’s outburst and resulting destruction of the family home wasn’t entirely necessary. It was more of a metaphor of breaking the family apart only to put it back together. Except that there wasn’t a reason to break them apart. Mirabel was getting them to recognize their true selves and what they really wanted from life. If Abuela had listened instead of screaming, the house would have never been destroyed.

I truly loved Encanto and I will most likely watch it again. (And again and again.) The music is catchy, the characters are interesting, and the story is something I think everyone can relate to. Even on the first watch, you will most likely walk away singing at least one of the songs. And don’t forget - we don’t talk about Bruno.

Cinderella (2021)

On September 3, Amazon released a new Cinderella movie on their Prime service. Since it’s release, it has gotten some pretty terrible reviews. But did the movie really deserve all of the hate? Well, I watched the movie just for you…so let’s find out.

The story has the basics of the standard Cinderella story - orphan Ella lives in the basement and serves her stepmother and stepsisters. She catches the eye of the prince, who is in need of a bride. With some help from a magical godmother, she attends a ball, where the prince falls in love with her. At midnight, she runs away, leaving a shoe behind. The prince searches the kingdom for his new love. Happily ever after,

However, this version gives us a slightly feminist slant to the story. There is an underlying plot of how women are basically considered second-class. Ella dreams of owning a dress shop but she is told multiple times that women can’t run a business, Princess Gwen has tons of brilliant ideas for updates to the kingdom but her father constantly tells her to shut up, and even Queen Beatrice is talked down to by her husband when she speaks up on her son’s behalf. There are so many instances of misogyny that it almost becomes the main plot of the film. I don’t know that it is a bad thing. It is a little overbearing though.

The main thing I want to talk about is the music. In this world, people break out into song for little to no reason. And, yes, everyone around them can hear them. Or at least they can most of the time. The problem is the song choice. This movie was written and directed by Kay Cannon, who also wrote all three Pitch Perfect movies, and it shows. She has Prince Robert sing “Somebody To Love,” which fits well in Ella Enchanted, another Cinderella movie. Here, though, Robert looks utterly stupid singing about how hard he works. Yes, I know it is supposed to be sarcastic but it just doesn’t work. Heck, the movie STARTS OUT with the village singing Janet Jackson’s “Rhythm Nation” mixed with “You Gotta Be” by Des’ree. It is not good. And it just doesn’t stop. It seems like there is another song every ten minutes. (Please note that it is a 2-hour long movie.)

Despite all of the terrible reviews, there is a good movie hidden in here. If they made this a straight romantic comedy instead of a jukebox musical, I think this would have been a fantastic film. While Camila Cabello does a decent job with Ella, the prize winners here are the women of the royal family. Minnie Driver as Queen Beatrice is pure gold. Pierce Brosnan’s King Rowan would have died in his first scene thanks to the daggers from her eyeballs. Tallulah Greive’s Princess Gwen doesn’t get a lot of screen time but she kills every scene she is in. The only other character that I enjoyed was Prince Robert’s…Scottish friend? I don’t think they even gave the poor guy a name but he is awesome.

Should you watch it? No…I don’t think you should. While the “movie” parts aren’t that bad, there are so many absolutely awful songs that they make it difficult to enjoy the good parts. Go watch Ella Enchanted (on Amazon Prime) or the 1997 Rogers & Hammerstein Cinderella with Brandy (on Disney Plus). You would be much happier with those choices.

PS: Please stop letting James Corden run rampant all over your movie. I understand wanting to cast him because people know his name. But there is NO reason to keep cutting to him every few minutes. It did NOTHING for the story besides annoy your viewers. He isn’t worth it.

Ten Worst Christmas Movies of 2020 | 2020 Christmas Movies

Finally, the time has come. The time that everyone has been looking forward to. My list of the worst Christmas movies of 2020.

10. A Nashville Christmas Carol - Just when you thought that no one could ruin Charles Dickens’ classic, Hallmark said “hold my beer.”
9. Christmas Comes Twice - Poor Tamera. She needs a better manager.
8. The Christmas Listing - Who thought real estate was exciting enough for a Christmas movie?
7. Christmas at the Castle - I wonder how many Scotsmen were offended by this movie.
6. Heart of the Holidays - Your leading lady can’t be both a genius and incompetent. Pick one.
5. The Christmas Aunt - The movie with the dumbest plot of the season.
4. My Sweet Holiday - NO MORE MONTAGES!
3. A Taste of Christmas - There should be at least one likeable character in your Christmas romance movie.
2. A California Christmas - Death everywhere.
1. A New York Christmas Wedding - I still don’t know what the plot of this movie was.

There you have it: the ten worst Christmas movies of the season. The other 66 movies I watched were fairly middle of the road. They were either boring or just OK. I think that the channels should focus less on the number of movies they show each year and pay more attention to airing good movies instead. The Hallmark Channel aired 24 Christmas movies, Hallmark Movies & Mysteries aired 16, Netflix had 11 (plus 4 I haven’t watched), Hulu had 1, and Lifetime outdid everyone with a whopping 34 Christmas movies! Imagine if they took all of the money spent on all of these and put out a handful of really awesome movies. They can still air their back catalog, like they do now, but I think everyone would be so much happier if the holiday movies they offered were amazing instead of intolerable.

Top 10 Christmas Movies | 2020 Christmas Movies

I watched something like 86 Christmas movies this year. There are another 4 movies that I haven’t watched yet. That means there were ninety Christmas movies released between Hallmark, Hallmark Movies & Mysteries, Lifetime, Hulu, and Netflix. That is absolutely bonkers, isn’t it? So here are my top 10 Christmas movies released in 2020.

Honorary Mention: Dance Dreams: Hot Chocolate Nutcracker - Since this isn’t really a Christmas movie, I didn’t want to put it in the top 10. However, it is definitely worth watching.

10. Spotlight on Christmas - A very cute actress-comes-home story
9. The Angel Tree - How to give back to your community without making it about yourself
8. Merry Liddle Christmas Wedding - When the sequel is better than the original
7. Cranberry Christmas - Proof that marriage is work and sometimes people don’t really want what they think they want
6. Love, Lights & Hanukkah! - Family is family, even if you’ve never met them before and they were raised in a different religion
5. Just Another Christmas - Foreign Christmas films can be better than American Christmas films
4. The Christmas Setup - The best movie from Lifetime, where the main couple is gay
3. The Christmas House - The movie with the gay secondary couple that broke Hallmark
2. Jingle Jangle - A Christmas musical extravaganza
1. Holly & Ivy - The best movie from Hallmark that shows a community stepping up to care for two children

There you have it. My top 10 Christmas movies of 2020. Let me know if you loved or hated any of the movies on my list. Keep an eye out later this week for my 10 worst list. I’m sure everyone is looking forward to it.

The Christmas Chronicles 2 | 2020 Christmas Movies

Back in 2018, Netflix gave us The Christmas Chronicles. The movie was such a hit that we got a part 2 this year. Not only do we get more of Santa and his elves, we also finally get to see Mrs. Claus!

Kate (Darby Camp) is spending Christmas on the beach with her family. Her mother, Claire (Kimberly Williams-Paisley), has started dating a new man, Bob (Tyrese Gibson). Kate is unhappy about the whole situation so she decides to run away. She, along with Bob’s son Jack (Jahzir Bruno), get kidnapped by a former elf, Belsnickel (Julian Dennison), in order to try to get into the North Pole. The kids are saved by Santa but now Belsnickel is attacking Santa’s Village. It’s up to Kate, Jack, Santa, and Mrs. Claus to save Santa’s Village from Belsnickel’s evil-doings.

Sadly, all of the things I enjoyed about the original movie are missing here. The elves, who were really cool in the first movie, spend a lot of this movie doing bad things, thanks to Belsnickel covering them with a potion. Kate is now a teenager and she’s kinda unbearable. She whines a lot and, even though she’s supposed to be a True Believer, she is terrible to everyone who isn’t Santa Claus.

Is it worth watching? Eh, Mrs. Claus is pretty awesome. Santa has another big musical number that is fun. I honestly think The Christmas Chronicles 2 would have been better with different kids or if Kate was teaching Jack how to be a True Believer. Instead, we get a lot of Santa fighting - both with Belsnickel and with the Yulecat.

The movie isn’t completely terrible but it’s not great either. If you really loved the first movie, I would recommend you skip the second. But if your curiosity wins out, it isn’t a completely terrible 2 hours. I just hope there isn’t a third movie in the works.

Dance Dreams: Hot Chocolate Nutcracker | 2020 Christmas Movies

OK so Dance Dreams: Hot Chocolate Nutcracker isn’t really a Christmas movie. It’s a dance documentary. But it is about a production of the Nutcracker so I’m counting it in my Christmas movie reviews.

The Debbie Allen Dance Academy (DADA) teaches anyone who wants to learn dance, no matter their financial situation. Seventy-five percent of their students are on scholarship. DADA’s biggest fundraiser is their annual production of Hot Chocolate Nutcracker. Dance Dreams goes behind the scenes as the academy prepares for the annual production.

Debbie Allen is an amazing person. Even at 70 years old, she is still teaching and choreographing and, well, just being a badass. While she does have other teachers and choreographers that work with her, she is very hands-on with her students. She is there pushing them to make them better dancers, as well as better people.

If you are a dancer or a fan of dance, you should definitely watch this. Strike that, EVERYONE should watch this. Debbie Allen is such a ray of light and a source of inspiration that everyone could use her words of wisdom, even if you aren’t a dancer.