Love Virtually (2023)

I watched Love Virtually last week with the full intention of reviewing it. However, it is such a terrible movie that I didn’t want to talk about it. But it is my sworn duty to warn you of crap like this so you don’t have to watch it. Warning: This may be more of a rant than a review.

In a world where people commonly use Metaverse virtual reality, a group of people try to navigate both their real life and virtual life relationships.

Ugh, this movie is so bad. There are so many characters that the script doesn’t actually take any time to develop any of them. We have professional gamer Roddy (Peter Gilroy) who messed up his relationship with his girlfriend Kimberly (Paige Mobley). He’s trying to save it but she blocked him and she’s now being romantically pursued by another professional gamer, Kalvin (L.E. Staiman). Next is the married couple Barry (Ryan O’Flanagan) and Angela (Ksenia Valenti). Barry spends so much time working that he doesn’t pay attention to Angela so Angela has sought comfort in the…arms…of the virtual reality shopping helper, Chatbot (Paul F. Thompkins). They are attending online couples therapy but their therapist, Dr. Divine (Stephen Tobolowsky), is more interested in sexting with his virtual reality sidepiece, Dr. Evelyn (Cheri Oteri)….who ends up being his real life wife even though neither of them realize it. Finally, there’s influencer Clarissa (Nikki Howard) and basketball athlete La Monte (Vincent Washington). They both had big public relations issues and now they are trying to save their reputations by pretending to be “regular” people. They meet on a dating app, only they have trouble actually getting together to meet. But when they do and they realize who each other is? It’s a doozy.

So, yeah…we have storylines for nine people and a Chatbot. This movie isn’t even a full hour and a half long. It would have been better if we cut down the number of people involved. Make it about the triangle between Robby, Kimberly, and Kalvin with the b-plot of Clarissa and La Monte trying to save their reputations. Also make it funny. This is supposed to be a comedy but there wasn’t anything funny happening. Oh, and make the animation pretty. I get that it’s supposed to look like the Metaverse, which doesn’t have great animation, but this is a movie version of it. Stuff is supposed to look better in the movies.

This really may have been the worst movie I have ever seen. And I have seen some really bad movies. Stay away at all cost.

Rating: Can we go lower than F?

An American In Austen (2024)

Hallmark’s next movie in their Loveuary lineup is An American In Austen. How sick of Jane Austen novels will I be by the time this month is over?

Harriett (Eliza Bennett) is a librarian who thinks Mr. Darcy from Jane Austen’s “Pride and Prejudice” is the perfect man. When her boyfriend of three years, Ethan (Bert Seymour), proposes to her, she freaks out and answers ‘maybe.’ After the ordeal, she drunkenly wishes someone like Mr. Darcy would sweep her off her feet. Her friends send her home in a taxi, where she falls asleep, only to wake up inside the novel itself. Can Harriett navigate the world of Elizabeth (Bell Barlow) and Mr. Darcy (Nicholas Bishop) without messing everything up?

I hated the beginning of this movie. Ethan was nothing but nice to Harriett and she was awful to him. I could understand if Ethan was self-centered or tried to make Harriett change but we only saw a lovely man who was interested in the things his partner enjoyed and made a huge effort to give her a lavish proposal. And she basically replies with a “Eh, I would prefer if you were a fictional man who is kinda a dick to everyone for most of the book.” What the hell, Harriett?!

When she arrives in 1813, it takes awhile for her to become bearable. It actually isn’t until she realizes that she is massively screwing up the storyline of the book that she magically turns into a thoughtful person. Then, after she fixes the storyline and goes back home, only then does she realize how terrible she can been to Ethan. I mean, it’s a romcom, we need the big romantic gesture…..EVEN THOUGH WE GOT THAT IN THE BEGINNING OF THE MOVIE.

Gah. I don’t really want to recommend this movie but the ending with the Bennets is a little heartwarming. I would have preferred if Ethan told her to kick rocks but I guess we can’t end a Hallmark romcom like that, can we?

Rating: C+

Players (2024)

I was going to give up on romcoms now that Valentine’s Day is over. But then I found out that Netflix dropped Players ON Valentine’s Day. Of course I had to watch it.

Mackenzie (Gina Rodriguez), or Mack as she prefers, is a sports writers living in New York City. With her best friends/co-workers - Adam (Damon Wayans Jr), Brannagan (Augustus Prew), and Little (Joel Courtney) - have a book of plays they use to hook up with people. But when Mack catches feelings for her latest hook-up, Nick (Tom Ellis), the gang has to find a new play to turn this one night stand into a relationship.

I’m not sure who this movie is aimed at. Mack is supposed to be like a “guy’s girl.” She’s really into sports, she isn’t friends with any other women, and she sleeps around with no social consequences. (C’mon, if this were any other woman, she would be slut shamed the entire movie.) I think the Mack and Nick characters were gender swapped at some point. The characters make a little more sense then. But anyway, I don’t think that Mack and the guys appeal to women looking for a romcom. Nor do I think they appeal to men…who are looking for a romcom? This is firmly in the romcom section of Netflix. So….yeah, I don’t know who this movie is for.

And mostly that is because everyone in this movie kinda sucks. Mack is a very self-centered woman and we aren’t really given any reasons to root for her. Nick is pretty awful the entire time. The only reason I can see Mack wanting a relationship with him is because Tom Ellis is a very good looking man. Not a great basis for a relationship. Adam, Brannagan, and Little don’t get a lot of characterization. From the beginning, it’s easy to tell who Mack is going to end up with. I’m still not sure why though.

Sadly, Players let me down. I was hoping to like this movie. It had some really good actors and what I thought could have maybe been an interesting plot. But it falls completely flat. It’s a skip for me.

Rating: D

Love Again (2023)

I’m watching Love Again and up pops Celine Dion. I’m not completely sure why she’s in the movie. Her part is a little unnecessary. But whatever. I guess Celine Dion can do whatever Celine Dion wants.

Two years after her boyfriend’s untimely death, Mira (Priyanka Chopra Jones) is still grieving. Her sister, Suzy (Sofia Barclay), has finally convinced her to move out of their parents’ house and back into their apartment. Mira tries to take comfort by texting her late boyfriend’s phone number, which now happens to be the number of Rob’s (Sam Heughan) new company phone. Rob, falling in love with the mysterious texter, meets up with Mira and the two begin a new relationship. But what happens when Mira finds out about the texts?

So…this is a really boring movie. Mira spends a majority of the movie depressed. Which I understand but, girl, it’s been TWO YEARS. At least in Good Grief, Marc’s husband had just died. They should have made the timeline a little closer to his death to make it more emotional.

On top of that, Rob isn’t a very interesting person. He does everything with no real personality. There’s never a high or low to his emotions. It’s one big flat line. Dull.

Honestly, unless you are a giant fan of the actors or Celine Dion, I would say skip this one. Maybe mark is as Uninterested so it doesn’t show up and you don’t even have to think about it.

Rating: D+

Love & Jane (2024)

These Jane Austen-inspired movies are going to make me hate Hallmark. Just when the Christmas movies were getting better. It’s time for Love & Jane.

Lilly (Alison Sweeney) is obsessed with Jane Austen novels. When her life begins to go awry, she wishes she could ask the author for advice. That night, the ghost of Jane Austen (Kendra Anderson) appears to help Lilly through her difficult times.

Yes, this is as dumb as it sounds. Lilly, a rather self-centered woman, doesn’t like technology and thinks everything was better in Jane’s time. Of course, she works for a marketing company and uses a movie version of Siri or Alexa. But technology, bad. And, from what we see, her entire life revolves around Jane Austen. It’s pretty annoying and I have no idea why anyone puts up with her.

I’d talk about the guys in the movie but they are barely there. Lilly breaks up with her boyfriend, Martin (Matthew Kevin Anderson), is the beginning of the movie because he gets a job in Chicago. (Even though he noted that she could move there if she wanted…) But the big romantic interest is Trevor (Benjamin Ayres), who is a client of her firm. He basically pops in now and again to remind us that he exists even though he has no real effect on the plot. This movie really is a romance movie between Lilly and Jane.

There are a few more movies coming up in the Loveuary catalog. I hope that they are better than this.

Rating: D

Lisa Frankenstein (2024)

I don’t want to write an intro for this one. My husband and I saw Lisa Frankenstein this past weekend and I want to talk about it.

After her mother’s brutal murder, Lisa (Kathryn Newton) and her father, Dale (Joe Chrest), have moved in with his new wife, Janet (Carla Gugino), and Janet’s cheerleader daughter, Taffy (Liza Soberano). At a party Taffy insisted she attend, Lisa is drugged and sexually assaulted. As she stumbles home, Lisa stops at one of her favorite places - an abandoned cemetery featuring the grave of an unmarried young man (Cole Sprouse). Lisa tells him how she wishes she could be with him before going home. That night, a ball of green lightning strikes the grave, bringing the man to life. He kills Lisa’s bullies in order to take parts of their bodies to complete his. As he becomes more complete, Lisa begins to fall in love with him.

This was probably the best movie I have seen in a long time. We laughed, we gasped, and we both loved it. Thankfully, while this is listed as a horror comedy, it isn’t too “horror.” There isn’t anything gory and, unless you have an aversion to bugs, there aren’t any scenes that will make you cover your eyes. This is the perfect movie for someone who wants to watch something scary but doesn’t want to watch anything over the top like a slasher. Lisa Frankenstein really felt like a movie made for someone like me. I can’t recommend it enough!

Rating: A+

A Scottish Love Scheme (2024)

Hallmark must really have a thing for Scotland now. In 2021, there was A Castle For Christmas. 2023 was A Merry Scottish Christmas. And now they gave us A Scottish Love Scheme. How many Hallmark movies can Scotland handle?

Lily (Erica Durance) has recently left her job marketing for a family brewery. Now she has time to take a mother-daughter trip to Scotland with her mom, Cait (Jo Cameron Brown), to visit their friends, the Campbells. While they are there, Cait schemes with her old friend, Mairi (Juliet Cadzow), to set Lily up with Mairi’s son, Logan (Jordan Young).

For a movie that claims to be about schemes, there isn’t a lot of scheming going on. Unless you want to count Mairi telling Logan that he should take Lily to dinner at a specific restaurant a “scheme.” I think schemes are supposed to be kinda secret, right? With the exception of one instance toward the beginning of the movie, Cait and Mairi must think their kids are pretty stupid to not realize what they are doing. Then again, Lily and Logan never say anything about it so maybe they are stupid…

If we look beyond the unschemey schemes, the rest of the movie is just fine. A little boring, as usual, but there is nothing particularly offensive about it. Everything just takes a very long time to happen. I would have liked it a little more if Cait and Mairi were a little more sneaky about what they were doing. Maybe make this a bit more of a mystery romance instead. Well, at least we got some really pretty shots of Scotland.

Rating: B-

Paging Mr. Darcy (2024)

The first movie in Hallmark Channel’s Jane Austen series is titled Paging Mr. Darcy. Yes, most of these movies are “Pride and Prejudice” themed. Hopefully this won’t be too bad.

Eloise Cavendish (Mallory Jansen) is a literary professor who specializes in Jane Austen. She is the keynote speaker at this year’s Jane Austen League of America conference. While at the conference, she plans on visiting her sister, Mia (Lillian Doucet-Roche), and meet Dr. Victoria Jennings (Carolyn Scott), a member of the hiring committee at Princeton. After her plane lands, she meets Sam (Will Kemp) dressed as Mr. Darcy. Much to Eloise’s dismay, he is to be her guest liaison for the entire conference. She would rather not partake in the romanticism of Austen’s works. But she does need to impress Dr. Jennings…

I will admit that I’m not a big Jane Austen fan. It’s possible that most of these movies will go right over my head. With that noted, Paging Mr. Darcy is rather boring. Eloise is against all of the costumes and the ball and the general party vibe of the conference. But from what I saw, all of that barely took place. Sure, Sam was dressed as Mr. Darcy most of the time but that was his job. And even then, he took some pictures with some attendees in the beginning then he was busy crafting bonnets with Dr. Jennings, who happens to be his aunt, or hanging out with Eloise - teaching her how to dance, making desserts for the ball, or just randomly chatting. If I was an attendee, I might think this was the worst conference ever. Especially with a keynote speaker that didn’t even want to be there!

Since this is the first movie in the Loveuary series, I’m really hoping the other movies will be better. Hallmark has this weird tendency to put the worst movies in the beginning of the season and the really good ones either smack dab in the middle or at the very end. Cross your fingers the rest of these are better.

Rating: C-

Betty's Bad Luck In Love (2024)

Hallmark is pulling their weight with the February romance movies. Be warned - while I have Betty’s Bad Luck In Love right now, Hallmark is doing a “Loveuary” thing featuring movies about Jane Austen. There will be 4 movies, one each week. But let’s see what Betty is up to first.

Because Betty (Laci J. Mailey) chose to talk to the cute boy at school, a rival girl cursed her with bad luck in love for the rest of her life. As an adult, every time Betty gets close to a guy, she immediately shuts down the relationship, fearing the worst will happen to him. Can she find a way to break the curse and find love?

I’m not going to lie. Betty’s Bad Luck In Love is kinda terrible. Our title character spends almost the entire movie freaking out at every little thing her current beau, Alex (Marco Grazzini), does then complains to her best friend, Mya (Meghan Heffern), about it. Keep in mind that these are all adults. Alex plays rugby in his free time. Betty literally goes to one of his scrimmage games and storms into the field to stop the game so he doesn’t get hurt. And somehow Alex forgives her atrocious behavior. Even if you are worried about a loved one getting hurt, that is part of life. Especially when we’re talking about adults that can make their own decisions. Does she think that Alex doesn’t know the risks of playing a game like rugby?

Then there’s her relationship with Mya. Mya is getting married to Raul (Daylin Willis). As Mya plans the wedding (with very little help from her best friend, by the way), she is running into snags. Her florist can’t get the flowers she wants, the reception venue she booked is double booked, her soon-to-be mother-in-law demands Mya invites her friends to the wedding. All things that can be very big problems. Betty helps a little with the flower issue (by looking up flowers on her phone) but kinda shrugs off the other problems with an “Oh, I’m sorry” then goes back to complaining about her love life. She really is an awful friend.

I was hoping that this was going to be more entertaining. Instead, it’s mostly whining. They could have gone with a magic theme…that would have been cool. They could have gone with a Murphy’s Law type of theme. Nope, they chose a hysterical woman upset over absolutely nothing. This should not be on the Hallmark channel.

Rating: D

Argylle (2024)

Argylle is making it into my February romance movie reviews under a technicality. There is a bit of a romance in there, even though it’s not the main plotline. Also, I just wanted to talk about it a bit.

Elly Conway (Bryce Dallas Howard) is the author of the popular spy novel series starring Agent Argylle. After her most recent book release, she meets Aidan Wilde (Sam Rockwell), who claims to be a real life spy trying to save her life. When his claims turn out to be true, Elly and Aidan travel around the world trying to bring down the evil Division, headed by Director Ritter (Bryan Cranston).

First, let me say that I didn’t pay attention to the whole “who is the real Elly Conway” controversy. I knew that the Argylle book that was released in the real world was nothing more than a marketing plot for the movie. Marvel did the same thing when they released “Look Out For The Little Guy” by Scott Lang for Ant-Man and The Wasp: Quantumania. (Yes, I own that book and, yes, the author’s name on the book is Scott Lang not Paul Rudd or the ghostwriter.) It makes much more sense than thinking Taylor Swift took time out of recording albums and touring to write a book under someone else’s name.

As for the movie itself, I went in expecting something that would be entertaining but not amazing. And that is about what it is. There is some terrible dialogue, there is some really really awful dancing, and there are a lot of scenes that are there to look pretty not make sense. The big plot twist is easy to predict but the acting isn’t too bad. The problem lies more with the script and how scenes are shot over anything else. I think the movie would have been a lot better if they went with the twist they promised in the trailers over the one they actually used.

I didn’t hate it. I didn’t love it. And I probably wouldn’t watch it again. As for the romance, it felt forced and unnecessary. It would have been better if they had fallen in love naturally. Maybe they need to watch some Hallmark movies.

Rating: C