Spaceman (2024)

In late February 2024, Netflix released Spaceman. A sci-fi drama starring Adam Sandler as a Czech astronaut. I don’t know about this one….

Jakub Procházka(Sandler) is on a solo space mission to investigate a mysterious cloud near Jupiter. Just before reaching his destination, he finds a spider-like alien aboard his ship. The creature, speaking to Jakub telepathically, wants to know more about humans. And Jakub, suffering from loneliness and depression, befriends the spider, naming him Hanuš (Paul Dano). Hanuš learns about Jakub’s life and how he hasn’t been the best of husbands to his wife, Lenka (Carey Mulligan). Can Hanuš help Jakub become a better man?

Sadly, I kept expecting more from this movie. First, it’s very difficult to accept that Adam Sandler is supposed to be Czech. His accent comes and goes, seemingly dependent on whether or not he remembers he’s supposed to have one. Second, nothing really happens. Since Jakub is in space and Lenka is on Earth, everything we see between the two of them are just Jakub’s memories as seen by Hanuš. (Yes, the spider can also read minds.) Communication has been cut off between Jakub and Lenka because of their failing relationship. So I kept waiting for some big twist - the spider isn’t real and Jakub is hallucinating on the ship, Jakub isn’t really on the ship at all, the spider is just pretending to be a cool guy so he can eat Jakub. But no, nothing happens. This movie is literally Jakub going to couples therapy without his wife and a spider is his therapist.

I’m saying skip this one. I know Sandler has done dramatic roles before and I was really hoping that this would be a really good dramatic role for him. But this was the wrong role for him with a bad plot. I really do wish it was better.

Rating: D

Dune: Part Two (2024)

I am not a huge fan of the Dune franchise. My husband, however, is. So that means we sat in the movie theater for over three hours (including the time for commercials and trailers before the movie itself) to see Dune: Part Two. Was it worth it?

Paul Atreides (Timothée Chalamet) and his mother, Jessica (Rebecca Ferguson), have been living with the Fremen after the massacre of their entire House. Half of the Fremen are suspicious of the pair while the other half believes Paul is a prophesied savior. As Paul works on becoming a Freman, earning the love of Chani (Zendaya) in the process, Jessica is forced the drink the Water of Life to become the new Bene Gesserit Reverend Mother for the tribe. Unknown to everyone except Jessica and Paul, she is pregnant, resulting in the premature awakening of her unborn daughter’s mind, giving Jessica the ability to converse with her. As the Reverend Mother, Jessica begins convincing the unfaithful portion of the Fremen that Paul is, indeed, fulfilling the prophesy, eventually travelling south to expand her reach. Shortly thereafter, House Harkonnen attacks the Fremen cave system, forcing the rest of the Fremen to also head south. Paul is unwilling due to having visions of a holy war if he did. He eventually gives in and travels south with the rest of the Fremen. Will this cause the death of millions as he foresaw?

Yes, this is a very long movie. No, it does not finish the story…there will be at least one more part coming. However, I will say that the movie didn’t feel like it was almost three hours long. There weren’t any parts that I felt dragged, though there were some parts that felt like they did some sort of time skip or that I missed something. Now, I never read any of the Dune books. So I’m not sure if this is something that happens in the book or if this was a creative decision. Thankfully, it didn’t seem to effect the actual storyline very much. It only made me feel a little disjointed a few times.

Is this worth watching? Meh. If you like the Dune franchise. This didn’t feel like a “must watch” movie. You will be perfectly fine if you skip it. Or maybe wait until all of the parts are released and watch it at home. I don’t think you will lose anything and you will have the luxury of a pause button.

Rating: B+

Welcome March!

Welcome, March! I have to say that I am pretty glad to be done with the romcoms. I didn’t think there would be that many bad ones. I thought they would be a lot like the Christmas ones and be mediocre at best. Anyway, I’m not completely sure how to handle the reviews for this month. So I’m giving you some polls. Do you like when I have themed months? Should March have a theme? If so, let me know what theme you think it should have.

The Heartbreak Agency (2024)

I decided to finish my February romcom adventure with The Heartbreak Agency, a German film released by Netflix. Sorry, Hallmark, I can’t take any more Jane Austen this month. Maybe I’ll watch that last movie next month. Who knows.

Karl (Laurence Rupp) is a writer whose girlfriend just broke up with him. She said she got advice from a therapist saying Karl was unable to love. Upset, Karl gets an assignment from his editor to write a piece about Maria (Rosalie Thomass), the therapist that runs The Heartbreak Agency. He thought he wrote a great hit piece. Instead, he gets fired from the magazine and can’t find another job. His editor agrees to take him back if he actually goes through the therapy and writes a real emotionally based piece about it. Karl was in for more than he bargained for.

Like a lot of foreign films, The Heartbreak Agency does drag a little in the middle. In an American film, we would get a lot of will-they-won’t-they tension. While there is a little bit of that here, most of the middle of the movie is based around showing us what a crap person Karl is. At least emotionally. He seems like a really fun guy until you need a shoulder to cry on.

It’s not a bad movie but, if you are used to American films, you might find yourself a little bored. Personally, I enjoyed it. I do wish there was a little more interaction between Karl and Maria’s daughter, Hedi (Cora Trube), but I can understand why they didn’t put it in.

Rating: B

Beautiful Wedding (2024)

At the beginning of the month, I watched last year’s Beautiful Disaster. Of course I had to watch the sequel, Beautiful Wedding. Let’s see if this one holds up.

Immediately after the end of Beautiful Disaster, Abby (Virginia Gardner), Travis (Dylan Sprouse), Mer (Libe Barer), and Shepley (Austin North) party in Las Vegas. When the group wakes up, they find cash strewn all over the room and a video showing Abby and Travis getting married. After finding the legal marriage license, the group takes a trip to Mexico for the honeymoon. However, during the trip Abby and Travis realize that maybe they shouldn’t stay married after all.

Much like the first movie, this one is also all over the place. We’ve almost completely abandoned the back story of Abby playing poker. It comes up in the beginning when they find all the cash and it’s referenced one other time as a throwaway line. Beyond that, Wedding focuses entirely on Travis being super jealous of every guy Abby speaks to and Abby running away every time Travis makes a mistake or a woman hits on him. There are so many instances where they could have just talked to each other but they don’t. I think we’re supposed to believe their volatile because they’re 19. However, neither of them seem to really learn from their mistakes.

With that said, this is a sort of fun movie in the “everyone is a terrible person and none of them should be around other people” type of way. There are two women that spend every moment they are on screen literally throwing themselves at Travis, even after he says no multiple times. I hate them. Mer and Shepley get into a huge fight that probably could have been just a simple discussion. (They did a similar thing in the first movie so maybe this is their thing.) And Abby and Travis do everything but talk to each other. Is this a movie I would watch again? No. Do I regret watching it? Also no. I do hope that there isn’t a third movie coming though. I don’t think I want to watch these people any more.

Rating: B-

Love Virtually (2023)

I watched Love Virtually last week with the full intention of reviewing it. However, it is such a terrible movie that I didn’t want to talk about it. But it is my sworn duty to warn you of crap like this so you don’t have to watch it. Warning: This may be more of a rant than a review.

In a world where people commonly use Metaverse virtual reality, a group of people try to navigate both their real life and virtual life relationships.

Ugh, this movie is so bad. There are so many characters that the script doesn’t actually take any time to develop any of them. We have professional gamer Roddy (Peter Gilroy) who messed up his relationship with his girlfriend Kimberly (Paige Mobley). He’s trying to save it but she blocked him and she’s now being romantically pursued by another professional gamer, Kalvin (L.E. Staiman). Next is the married couple Barry (Ryan O’Flanagan) and Angela (Ksenia Valenti). Barry spends so much time working that he doesn’t pay attention to Angela so Angela has sought comfort in the…arms…of the virtual reality shopping helper, Chatbot (Paul F. Thompkins). They are attending online couples therapy but their therapist, Dr. Divine (Stephen Tobolowsky), is more interested in sexting with his virtual reality sidepiece, Dr. Evelyn (Cheri Oteri)….who ends up being his real life wife even though neither of them realize it. Finally, there’s influencer Clarissa (Nikki Howard) and basketball athlete La Monte (Vincent Washington). They both had big public relations issues and now they are trying to save their reputations by pretending to be “regular” people. They meet on a dating app, only they have trouble actually getting together to meet. But when they do and they realize who each other is? It’s a doozy.

So, yeah…we have storylines for nine people and a Chatbot. This movie isn’t even a full hour and a half long. It would have been better if we cut down the number of people involved. Make it about the triangle between Robby, Kimberly, and Kalvin with the b-plot of Clarissa and La Monte trying to save their reputations. Also make it funny. This is supposed to be a comedy but there wasn’t anything funny happening. Oh, and make the animation pretty. I get that it’s supposed to look like the Metaverse, which doesn’t have great animation, but this is a movie version of it. Stuff is supposed to look better in the movies.

This really may have been the worst movie I have ever seen. And I have seen some really bad movies. Stay away at all cost.

Rating: Can we go lower than F?

An American In Austen (2024)

Hallmark’s next movie in their Loveuary lineup is An American In Austen. How sick of Jane Austen novels will I be by the time this month is over?

Harriett (Eliza Bennett) is a librarian who thinks Mr. Darcy from Jane Austen’s “Pride and Prejudice” is the perfect man. When her boyfriend of three years, Ethan (Bert Seymour), proposes to her, she freaks out and answers ‘maybe.’ After the ordeal, she drunkenly wishes someone like Mr. Darcy would sweep her off her feet. Her friends send her home in a taxi, where she falls asleep, only to wake up inside the novel itself. Can Harriett navigate the world of Elizabeth (Bell Barlow) and Mr. Darcy (Nicholas Bishop) without messing everything up?

I hated the beginning of this movie. Ethan was nothing but nice to Harriett and she was awful to him. I could understand if Ethan was self-centered or tried to make Harriett change but we only saw a lovely man who was interested in the things his partner enjoyed and made a huge effort to give her a lavish proposal. And she basically replies with a “Eh, I would prefer if you were a fictional man who is kinda a dick to everyone for most of the book.” What the hell, Harriett?!

When she arrives in 1813, it takes awhile for her to become bearable. It actually isn’t until she realizes that she is massively screwing up the storyline of the book that she magically turns into a thoughtful person. Then, after she fixes the storyline and goes back home, only then does she realize how terrible she can been to Ethan. I mean, it’s a romcom, we need the big romantic gesture…..EVEN THOUGH WE GOT THAT IN THE BEGINNING OF THE MOVIE.

Gah. I don’t really want to recommend this movie but the ending with the Bennets is a little heartwarming. I would have preferred if Ethan told her to kick rocks but I guess we can’t end a Hallmark romcom like that, can we?

Rating: C+

Players (2024)

I was going to give up on romcoms now that Valentine’s Day is over. But then I found out that Netflix dropped Players ON Valentine’s Day. Of course I had to watch it.

Mackenzie (Gina Rodriguez), or Mack as she prefers, is a sports writers living in New York City. With her best friends/co-workers - Adam (Damon Wayans Jr), Brannagan (Augustus Prew), and Little (Joel Courtney) - have a book of plays they use to hook up with people. But when Mack catches feelings for her latest hook-up, Nick (Tom Ellis), the gang has to find a new play to turn this one night stand into a relationship.

I’m not sure who this movie is aimed at. Mack is supposed to be like a “guy’s girl.” She’s really into sports, she isn’t friends with any other women, and she sleeps around with no social consequences. (C’mon, if this were any other woman, she would be slut shamed the entire movie.) I think the Mack and Nick characters were gender swapped at some point. The characters make a little more sense then. But anyway, I don’t think that Mack and the guys appeal to women looking for a romcom. Nor do I think they appeal to men…who are looking for a romcom? This is firmly in the romcom section of Netflix. So….yeah, I don’t know who this movie is for.

And mostly that is because everyone in this movie kinda sucks. Mack is a very self-centered woman and we aren’t really given any reasons to root for her. Nick is pretty awful the entire time. The only reason I can see Mack wanting a relationship with him is because Tom Ellis is a very good looking man. Not a great basis for a relationship. Adam, Brannagan, and Little don’t get a lot of characterization. From the beginning, it’s easy to tell who Mack is going to end up with. I’m still not sure why though.

Sadly, Players let me down. I was hoping to like this movie. It had some really good actors and what I thought could have maybe been an interesting plot. But it falls completely flat. It’s a skip for me.

Rating: D

Love Again (2023)

I’m watching Love Again and up pops Celine Dion. I’m not completely sure why she’s in the movie. Her part is a little unnecessary. But whatever. I guess Celine Dion can do whatever Celine Dion wants.

Two years after her boyfriend’s untimely death, Mira (Priyanka Chopra Jones) is still grieving. Her sister, Suzy (Sofia Barclay), has finally convinced her to move out of their parents’ house and back into their apartment. Mira tries to take comfort by texting her late boyfriend’s phone number, which now happens to be the number of Rob’s (Sam Heughan) new company phone. Rob, falling in love with the mysterious texter, meets up with Mira and the two begin a new relationship. But what happens when Mira finds out about the texts?

So…this is a really boring movie. Mira spends a majority of the movie depressed. Which I understand but, girl, it’s been TWO YEARS. At least in Good Grief, Marc’s husband had just died. They should have made the timeline a little closer to his death to make it more emotional.

On top of that, Rob isn’t a very interesting person. He does everything with no real personality. There’s never a high or low to his emotions. It’s one big flat line. Dull.

Honestly, unless you are a giant fan of the actors or Celine Dion, I would say skip this one. Maybe mark is as Uninterested so it doesn’t show up and you don’t even have to think about it.

Rating: D+

Love & Jane (2024)

These Jane Austen-inspired movies are going to make me hate Hallmark. Just when the Christmas movies were getting better. It’s time for Love & Jane.

Lilly (Alison Sweeney) is obsessed with Jane Austen novels. When her life begins to go awry, she wishes she could ask the author for advice. That night, the ghost of Jane Austen (Kendra Anderson) appears to help Lilly through her difficult times.

Yes, this is as dumb as it sounds. Lilly, a rather self-centered woman, doesn’t like technology and thinks everything was better in Jane’s time. Of course, she works for a marketing company and uses a movie version of Siri or Alexa. But technology, bad. And, from what we see, her entire life revolves around Jane Austen. It’s pretty annoying and I have no idea why anyone puts up with her.

I’d talk about the guys in the movie but they are barely there. Lilly breaks up with her boyfriend, Martin (Matthew Kevin Anderson), is the beginning of the movie because he gets a job in Chicago. (Even though he noted that she could move there if she wanted…) But the big romantic interest is Trevor (Benjamin Ayres), who is a client of her firm. He basically pops in now and again to remind us that he exists even though he has no real effect on the plot. This movie really is a romance movie between Lilly and Jane.

There are a few more movies coming up in the Loveuary catalog. I hope that they are better than this.

Rating: D